Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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