If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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