Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
