I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
