Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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