Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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