There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
