you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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