i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
