Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize