Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
