Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
