Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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