I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
