At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
