Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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