he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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