I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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