I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
