Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
