my phone needs a breathalizer
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
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