If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
