I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
