So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
