But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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