So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
