I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
