I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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