Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
