i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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