please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
