if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
