Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I think I just sharted jello shots
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