That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
