i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
