Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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