By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
