do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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