She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
