So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
