New low: just hacked my moms facebook
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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