just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
