Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
