OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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