I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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