I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
