So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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