I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
home. puking in laundry basket.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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