Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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