god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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