maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
