cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
