Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
