I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
