I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
