this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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