I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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