i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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